Please limit yourself to one film per post — even if that means a few consecutive posts after a day-long trip to the multiplex — as the mods have hard enough jobs already without having to try to split your 1,000-word epistle comparing and contrasting the theological implications of The Devil Conspiracy and Left Behind: Rise of the Antichrist into multiple threads.
Since my attempt to be lazy and solipsistic last year was roundly rejected by the forum in favor of The Big Snarky List, the finger on the monkey's paw has curled and you will now be subjected to the biggest, snarkiest list ever — so big that it had to be broken into sections in order to keep snark levels from spiking above those approved by regulators for public consumption.
In 2023, if you can tear yourself away from House hearings on Hunter Biden's laptop long enough to visit a movie theater, you may well find:
GENRE TRASH
- A ripoff of Child's Play but for girls
- A long-delayed Guy Ritchie action comedy that had the misfortune of featuring evil Ukranian gangster villains in 2022
- A Gerard Butler action thriller set in and around a plane called — wait for it — Plane
- M. Night Shyamalan's latest thriller to get a D- Cinemascore and $50 million in profits
- Steven Soderbergh's triumphant return to his best franchise
- An action thriller in Mumbai serving as star Dev Patel's directorial debut
- John Woo's dialogue-free action movie, Silent Night
- Ray Liotta giving one of his final performances opposite a bear on a coke rampage
- The first movie in the extended Rocky franchise without Sylvester Stallone
- The first movie in the Scream franchise without Neve Campbell
- Willem Dafoe as an art thief trapped alone in a locked down penthouse
- Robert Rodriguez returning to features after a TV stint with a twisty thriller starring Ben Affleck
- Adam Driver in what sounds like one of those astronaut-centric Twilight Zone episodes
- Adam Sandler in what sounds like one of those astronaut-centric Twilight Zone episodes on LSD
- The Farrelly Brother without any Oscars (yet?) directing Woody Harrelson as a Special Olympics coach
- A Dungeons & Dragons movie <insert first half of Drake meme> from the directors of Game Night <insert second half>
- Russell Crowe is either an exorcist for the Pope, performs an exorcism on the Pope, or is the Pope needed to be exorcised, TBD
- Three decades after flirting with vampirism, Nic Cage finally gets to be Dracula
- The tenth installment of a series of family dramas about car enthusiasts starring Vin Diesel
- An original Pixar project about Aristotelian elements
- The fourth in a famous series of action films starring 58-year-old Keanu Reeves
- The seventh in a famous series of action films starring 60-year-old Tom Cruise
- The third in a famous series of action films starring 67-year-old Denzel Washington
- The fourth in a famous series of action films starring 76-year-old Sylvester Stallone
- The fifth in a famous series of action films starring 80-year-old Harrison Ford
- The second in a less famous series of action films starring a 60-million-year-old giant shark
- Margot Robbie stretching in a role as an impossibly proportioned, unnaturally gorgeous woman
- A courtroom drama prominently featuring John Cena and Wile E. Coyote
- A Hunger Games prequel prominently featuring Peter Dinklage
- Timothée Chalamet playing Johnny Depp playing Gene Wilder
- A Doug Liman remake of the classic action cult movie Road House with Patrick Swayze lookalike Jake Gyllenhaal
- A David Gordon Green remake of the classic horror franchise <insert first half of Drake meme> The Exorcist <insert first half of Drake meme again>
- The second chapter we weren't sure we were going to get of a major sci-fi blockbuster, now with Florence Pugh, Christopher Walken, and Léa Seydoux
- The latest appearances of those iconic comic book characters that have captivated the American imagination for decades: Ant-Man, Shazam, Blue Beetle, Aquaman, Kraven the Hunter, Peter Quill and friends, The Marvels, Spider-Ham, and The Very Fast Non-Binary Person Suffering a Dangerous Mental Health Crisis
- A filmed adaptation of the stage musical adaptation of The Color Purple
- A Kelly Fremon Craig adaptation of Judy Blume
- Zach Braff roping ex-girlfriend Florence Pugh into his latest dramedy
- A pharmaceutical drama with Emily Blunt and Chris Evans
- Julianne Moore and John Lithgow in a Manhattan billionaire drama
- David Lowery plays in the Disney fantasy sandbox again with Peter Pan & Wendy
- A mixed-race relationship comedy with Jonah Hill, Eddie Murphy, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Nia Long, and David Duchovny
- A psychological thriller about racial tensions with Julia Roberts, Mahershala Ali, Ethan Hawke, and Kevin Bacon
- Promising Young Woman director Emerald Fennell's new thriller with Rosamund Pike, Barry Keoghan, and Richard E. Grant
- The first feature in 15 years from Ellen Kuras (cinematographer for Spike Lee, Errol Morris, and Michel Gondry), a WWII drama starring Kate Winslet, Marion Cotillard, and Jude Law
- Ben Affleck and Matt Damon's latest collaboration, a drama about Nike signing Michael Jordan
- Jennifer Lawrence in No Hard Feelings, what I am assuming is an edgy impotence comedy
- A historical drama about WWI-era sound recordings with Paul Mescal and Josh O'Connor
- Rooney Mara starring in an adaptation of a 65-year-old play about culture clashes in a NYC restaurant
- Helen Mirren IS Golda Meir
- Forest Whitaker IS Doc Broadus
- Cillian Murphy IS J. Robert Oppenheimer
- Colman Domingo IS Bayard Rustin
- Regina King IS Shirley Chisholm
- Jude Law IS Henry VIII
- Bradley Cooper IS Leonard Bernstein
- Adam Driver IS Enzo Ferrari
- Cailee Spaeny IS Priscilla Presley
- Joaquin Phoenix IS Kitbag
- Chris Pratt IS Super Mario
- Victor Erice's first film in three decades
- Abderrahmane Sissako jumps from West Africa to China with his latest romantic drama
- Nuri Bilge Ceylan's latest contribution to slow cinema
- Hirokazu Kore-eda's first Japanese-language film since Shoplifters
- François Ozon's new drama with Isabelle Huppert
- Michael Rozek's new drama with Isabelle Huppert
- Élise Girard's new drama with Isabelle Huppert
- Dario Argento's new drama with Isabelle Huppert
- Phillipe Garrel's new drama with...out Isabelle Huppert(!) but featuring his own kids(!!) as traveling puppeteers(?)
- Catherine Breillat's new drama with Isabelle Huppert
- Pablo Larraín's slight departure from biopics about famous white women: a black comedy about Augusto Pinochet as a centuries-old vampire
- Hayao Miyazaki trying to redeem himself in the eyes of Mr Sausage with his latest bout of unretirement
- Mélanie Laurent starring in her own heist thriller with Adèle Exarchopolous and Isabelle Adjani
- Valeska Grisebach's follow up to Western
- New oddities about tortured artists from Quentin Dupieux and Michel Gondry
- Aki Kaurismäki's latest Scandinavian dark comedy
- The latest French social drama from Ladj Ly
- The latest Chinese historical drama from Zhang Yimou
- Christian Petzold's relationship drama set against a natural disaster
- Vicky Krieps following up Corsage with another European biographical drama for Margarethe von Trotta
- Bertrand Bonello's sci-fi drama with Léa Seydoux
- Lisandro Alonso and Viggo Mortensen's long-awaited follow-up to Jauja
- Bruno Dumont's absurdist fantasy about an intergalactic war over a messianic child
- Yorgos Lanthimos' latest off-kilter drama starring Emma Stone, Willem Dafoe, and Margaret Qualley
- Yorgos Lanthimos' latest off-kilter drama starring Emma Stone, Willem Dafoe, and Margaret Qualley
- Wes Anderson's latest original quirky ensemble piece
- Wes Anderson's latest adapted quirky ensemble piece
- Joe Talbot following up The Last Black Man in San Francisco with a period drama starring Lily-Rose Depp and Renate Reinsve
- Kitty Green following up The Assistant with an Australian outback thriller starring Julia Garner and Hugo Weaving
- William Oldroyd following up Lady Macbeth with a psychological thriller starring Anne Hathaway and Thomas McKenzie
- Rose Glass following up Saint Maud with a lesbian body-building thriller with Kristen Stewart, Jena Malone, and Ed Harris
- Luca Guadagnino's tennis drama starring Zendaya
- Alice Lowe's century-hopping romance Timestalker
- Warwick Thornton directing Cate Blanchett as an Australian nun confronted with an Aboriginal orphan
- Jane Schoenbrun following up We're All Going to the World's Fair with another trippy horror film starring Phoebe Bridgers, Danielle Deadwyler, and Fred Durst(?)
- Emma Selgman following up Shiva Baby by retiming with Rachel Sennott for a queer high school sex comedy
- Cory Finley adapting National Book Award winner Landscape With Invisible Hand
- Alice Englert starring in her directorial debut alongside Jennifer Connelly and Ben Whishaw
- Neil Jordan's noir giving Liam Neeson a shot at a character already played by Bogart, Mitchum, Gould, Garner, and Powell
- Rebecca Miller's latest romantic dramedy, this one starring Anne Hathaway, Peter Dinklage, and Marisa Tomei
- Jessica Hausner directing Mia Wasikowska as a teacher who might be encouraging students to starve themselves
- French cinematographer Benoît Delhomme's feature debut with Jessica Chastain and the omnipresent Anne Hathaway
- Andrew Haigh's eerie family drama with Claire Foy and Paul Mescal
- Kantemir Balagov's first film after fleeing Russia and his English-language debut, Butterfly Jam
- Marielle Heller directing Amy Adams as a woman who may or may not be turning into a dog
- Nicole Holofcener reteams with Julia Louis-Dreyfus for another comedic relationship drama
- David Michôd tries his hand at comedy with Pete Davidson, Orlando Bloom, and Sean Harris
- Justin Kurzel directing Laura Dern and Benedict Cumberbatch in a society that doesn't sleep
- Michel Franco brings his signature dread to New York with Jessica Chastain and Peter Sarsgaard
- Alex Garland's next and possibly last film, a political action epic with Kirsten Dunst
- Ken Loach's latest polemic about an English community coping with an influx of refugees
- Sean Durkin directing Zac Efron in a drama about a family of fringe wrestlers
- Jeff Nichols' long-awaited return with a motorcycle club drama starring Jodie Comer, Austin Butler, Tom Hardy, and of course Michael Shannon
- Steve McQueen's WWII drama with Saoirse Ronan
- Todd Haynes' celebrity drama with Natalie Portman and Julianne Moore
- The Other Coen Brother's solo feature debut with Margaret Qualley and a potentially scandalous title
- Some relative of Roman and Sofia Coppola’s ambitious, wine-financed sci-fi epic
Everyone and anyone is encouraged to offer their thoughts on these or any 2022 release that provokes a reaction, whether it's a hidden art house gem or the latest all-consuming Disney tentpole release — you never know when your post will be the one to kick off the forum's latest argument about cancel culture.